I have had several people ask for an update but I really haven't known what to say. I don't want to post blogs of complaints but in order to give an honest update it would be that.
I had another CT scan recently and it showed the cancer is spreading in my liver but the lymph nodes and lung spots seem to be mostly stable.
In the last month or two we all have become more emotional. I have had several moments of just breaking down in tears. Just this week I was helping Levi gather up his homework and checking his log book when I suddenly felt so sad. He was standing by me while I was sitting so I just pulled him to me, laid my head on his chest, and we both cried for several minutes. It is heartbreaking to think of leaving him and Ivey.
For about two or three weeks now there have been two changes. One, I have been experiencing more pain. We are still trying to tweak my medicine to figure out what works the best. Some don't seem to have any effect while others make me a loopy, nauseated mess. The other change is that I have been swelling in the abdomen. The week after Thanksgiving I looked 9 months pregnant so I had to go get what is called a tap. They drained 3.3 liters of fluid. There was much relief after that, but the fluid started building back within a few days so I had to go back the following week where they drained 4.7 liters. It appears that this will now be a weekly event.
Something that has not changed is how kind and thoughtful people are to our family. We are still receiving sweet notes in the mail, through e-mail, and on Facebook. I want to express that I appreciate the encouragement so much! We still have people bringing food and sending gifts and again I am amazed at the generosity of people! I am so sorry that I have been so slow to send thank you notes! I am slowly chipping away at the list, but I have been spending a lot of time loopy on medicine or asleep on the couch. Please know that I really do appreciate these things so so much.
Some people have asked about my spiritual life. My faith in Gods ability to heal me of this cancer has not changed. However, I viewed the September fast as my sign of whether God would choose to heal me. When the scan did not show that I was healed I was discouraged and I had to mourn that. Coming to terms with death is not easy but there is great comfort in knowing where you are going (assuming it is a better place). Again, I so appreciate those of you who continue to pray for me constantly. It is so encouraging to have people care about/for you.
Lastly, I wanted to address something bizarre. I have been shocked and amazed at the amount of people this has reached. I have people from all walks of my life telling me that they have somehow been linked to this blog and are praying for me. Sometimes my amazement may be read differently than what I mean. I don't mind at all that people know about anything that is written here and I very much appreciate people's encouragement. I sometimes get into funny situations where I have a suspicion someone knows but I don't just want to break into Debby Downer mode and say, 'Hey did you know I have cancer?'. So, if you read this blog and feel awkward about saying something to me about it, please don't. I appreciate every single person who has told me that they heard and were praying and I don't mind answering questions.
We are excited about the holidays and hope that all of you have a great holiday season. I could not possibly ever say it enough but please know that we are so appreciative of all the amazing people God has surrounded us with during this time. We are obviously in a bad situation, but it is the best possible bad situation you could have since we are so loved and taken care of.
