The liver vs. the heart

I have been in quite the whirlwind the last few weeks.  It is such a strange thing to go from riding bikes and canoeing with your kids in what you consider a healthy state to a terminal diagnosis.
I did want to relay that I am feeling well.  I am not in pain anymore because I think I healed from the damage I apparently did to myself canoeing.  Also, my doctors visits are fewer these days so most things have gone back to somewhat normal.  My only issue now is the exhaustion and nausea.  That is manageable.

I have been thinking about so many things. Something that has struck me deeply is how amazing it is that so many people have been so kind.  You are all fooled!  I really am such a dud because I don't think I would have thought of half the things people have done for me if the situation was reversed.
We have received hundreds of Facebook messages, texts, and letters.  We have received gift cards to restaurants, people are mowing our yard, today a deep freezer was delivered. It was paid for by donations one church group took up so that we could hold all the meals people are bringing.  We came home one day this week to boxes of school supplies a friend purchased.  Plane tickets to clinics for second opinions have been offered.  Family trips have been offered. I have now lost count of how many people are praying AND fasting for me.

Seriously, we could never have expected these things! You are all so so generous!  You are all so so encouraging and kind!   I have been so floored by this!   Also, I am overusing exclamation points these days.

I am so blessed with so many things.  Not the least of which are some really amazing friends.  I have to share a funny story that happened on Friday. I was at home from work for lunch and Andrew called to ask me to stay because someone was delivering something to the house.  Three of my best friends showed up to 'kidnap me'.  The next thing I know I am in a chair at the tattoo/piercing parlor. I have wanted a nose piercing ever since I was in college.  The college I went to did not allow it and I had a string of jobs after college that did not either.  I was recently telling them how I wished that I had done that.  They decided that Friday was the day.  I love them for that!

That same evening I got to go to dinner with some additional favorites and had a great time. 

These women and their husbands have been so meaningful to Andrew and I the past several years. If you know us or search this blog you can see that before my post on liver cancer a few weeks ago it had been two years since the last blog post.  That is because my heart has been infected with a different kind of disease.  

Our journey to Sierra Leone was an odd one.  In our first years of marriage we never thought about or planned to be missionaries.  I simply had a heart for adoption which eventually lead to our desire to do orphan care and then missions. 

The idea of adoption began with me when I was in college and grew into a desire to adopt a sibling group. We know some really amazing people who opened a center in Sierra Leone and they were looking for sponsors and had sent out photos of kids who needed it.  While looking through the photos Andrew came across a sibling group of three kids.  He says he just looked at their faces and knew that they were the ones we were supposed to adopt.  That was a 6 (almost 7) year journey of ups and downs, always thinking that maybe once we made it through x hurdle that we would be able to bring them home and constantly being disappointed. Moving to Sierra Leone to help facilitate the center was a totally separate decision but while we were there we made the decision to foster these three kids.  That would open 3 beds at the center and allow our family to bond in the meantime.  After a year and a half of them living with us, and 5 years of saying yes to the adoption, the mother backed out unexpectedly.  Memories of my children sobbing in the floor, the kids packed up and driving out the gate, and stories from the center about how they would just sit and cry for hours created in me some very dark days.  There were days that I too laid in bed for hours crying bitterly.  I have a hard time typing it without tearing up even now.  

In my grief I began to question the one I had trusted would make this happen for me.  I just knew that God would grant me this desire of my heart because surely it was a noble request.  I couldn't imagine why he wouldn't.   In hind site, it was the beginning of thinking I knew more than he did.  I put myself in a 'time out' corner and sat in the dark for 2 years.  During this time Satan wasted no time whispering lies to me.  If you asked me during that time where my loyalties lied I would have said with Jesus Christ and I had no intentions of swapping sides.  But that serpent of old is very crafty and can settle for that.  He just kept whispering things to keep me in my corner glaring.  This is how sin began to grow roots in my heart.   I, just like the Israelites in the David and Goliath story I referenced in my previous blog, had seen many amazing things that God had done.  For us it was in Sierra Leone and following up to it. Andrew and I stood in amazement many times at what were miraculous and mysterious stories that unfolded right in front of us. Some of them are told in this very blog.  If you have read 'The fast fast' I would like to say that to this day Ivey has never had another staff infection and has minimal issues with eczema.  That can only be attributed to God himself since we had tried everything else under the sun for a year and a half.  However, just like the Israelites, I ran. I would not read or pray.  I just sat in my dark corner and did a lot of complaining and crying to the ladies in the photos above.  They and their husbands loved us anyway.  They prayed for our family many many times. If I were them I would have gotten so tired of me.  But they held strong.  They were there day in and day out- listening, empathizing and praying.  They epitomize the church.  They exemplify Christ and I thank him every day for the blessing of knowing them.

I have been saying for a long time now that I know it is time to buckle down and repent for my doubt in God's faithfulness, for my doubt of how much he loved me or my children, for shutting him out when I should have been digging in to know him better.  I am not angry anymore.  When I found out that I had cancer I knew that it was time to leave my corner and uproot the lies whispered and remember all the miracles that I had seen with my own eyes.  I could not stand up before I bowed down.  I asked forgiveness for these things flat out on the floor of our bedroom and decided that no matter what the end was, I would be at peace with that because I trust that Jesus has a plan.  I may not play the role I want, but I will submit to it.   I felt that it was important to say these things since there was a 2 year gap of ugly that most of you haven't seen in me.  This is my confession to anyone who reads this blog.   I was not born believing or having great faith.  Whatever amount of faith I have now is only from years of development and struggle.  Romans 5:4 says this: 'we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.'

Whatever God has in store for me, I know from personal experience that it is easier to bear whatever yoke God gives than to be in the best of situations defying Him. 

28 Come unto me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest in your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Matthew 11

Terminal

If you have ever seen the movie, Lemmony Snickets 'A Series of Unfortunate Events' you will remember that the movie starts with an elf scene and jolly music but very quickly Mr. Snicket lets you know that if that was the movie you were looking for you are in the wrong theater.   I feel the need to let you know before you read too far that this too, is not jolly.  Unfortunately, this post is a bit morbid.  

Andrew and I had our follow up visit with the oncologist today.  

I have to say, I was not expecting what he said.  Yesterday, a community of oncology surgeons,  oncology radiologist, and specialized(for liver, gallbladder, etc) oncologist reviewed my case to decide what exact type of cancer I have and what possible treatments are. I expected that the verdict would be the same as last week.  I thought he would suggest I take chemo to shrink the cancer, then surgery to remove the remaining. However, these are the facts;

1.  Chemo only has a 30-40% chance of shrinking my cancer.  It is currently covering every section of my liver. It has spread to some lymph nodes in my abdomen and some small areas in my lungs.  This is bad news because it is hard to get rid of this much cancer with chemo and difficult to biopsy some of the lymph nodes.

2.  If I did make it past step one, I would then have the hurdle of the operation.  Each of the surgeons on the panel were against it because of the amount of cancer that is there in multiple places and the statistics of it coming back.  

If they did operate and cut the remaining infected sections cut out, I would most likely be very sick and tired for at least a month while I recuperated and my liver regenerated and even then it is possible for the cancer to come back.

If they did operate, but did a liver transplant, it is possible that the new one would be rejected by my body.

3.  This is considered terminal cancer because even if all the stars aligned and I made it through step one and two- the statistics for surviving this route is approximately 5-10%.  

Our doctor has had a total of two patients ever make it to the 5-10% and both of them had a reoccurrence of cancer within a fairly short time.  For one it has been 6 months since her second surgery, and the other has passed away.

4. The average life expectancy for someone in this predicament, according to modern medicine, is approximately 6 months to 1 year. 

I have not swayed from my last blog post but I am going to stick to the facts today and I just want to ask again that anyone who is willing will pray that I would be healed.  We are in a situation where it will require a miracle of God.  I believe that Jesus Christ has all authority under heaven and the ability to heal me.  Please pray that he will. I have not decided on a day to fast yet but will post more on that as soon as I decide. 

Thank you all so much for such kind words and sweet messages.  We have been so amazed by the outpouring of love towards our family.  We have an army of friends and family doing our laundry, mowing our yard, bringing us dinners, offering all kinds of sweet things.  When we moved here 10 years ago one of our deepest prayers was that God would bless us with good friends and he definitely answered that.  Here is to hoping he will answer again just as abundantly. 

I have Cancer-I get to say what I want.

Today has been a wild day for me.  I did not sleep well and woke up feeling very uncomfortable.  I had to go to the doctor's office to do lab work and by the time I got there I had thrown up several times.  I proved it in the waiting room.  I am pretty sure that did not lighten the mood for all the chemo patients. That is my excuse for the delay in posting this update.

In times like this I can't help but to relate to biblical stories the experiences that we have.  I think God really does give us stories and examples that relate to current situations.  This morning I began the update and included a reference to my favorite Bible story.  I think technically to be a good Christian it is suppose to be either the Christmas or Easter story but it is not.  It is the story of David and Goliath. I have yet to repent for that.  However, I didn't want to be too hokie or get 'to religious' on people so I second guessed it this morning and sat the computer aside to go vomit.  Fast forward about 3-4 hours and I was in bad shape at the doctors office.  I was dehydrated so they could not find a vein to put the IV in so that I could get some nausea medicine and fluids.  Three veins collapsed, I was about to faint, one nurse had my face in her hands and kept saying, 'Heather, stay with me, come back' and Andrew looked terrified.  In the middle of all that, suddenly a third nurse came in the room exclaiming, 'Hey! How we doing today?!?' in the sweetest way.  On her scrubs were all these yellow chicks and little quotes like 'chicks rule' and 'chicks are cool' and randomly 'david and goliath'.  All I could focus on in that several second moment were the words david and goliath. She left the room just as suddenly as she came and I really thought I must have hallucinated or made that up.  So after everything settled down I asked the main nurse if that was real.  They sent the lady in and we told her just what I have said here on this blog and she agreed to allow Andrew to take a photo of her shirt so I have proof I didn't make this up.  I take that as a sign that it was meant for me to relate this to David and Goliath.  Plus I have Cancer now so I am pretty sure you get a pass for everything.  Whatever you want, you can just say -sorry people, Cancer, shrug your shoulders. Am I right?

And now for building of a giant:

We met with the oncologist yesterday.  I really must say we have an exceptional doctor.  He spent two hours with us going over a vast amount of information.  We so appreciated the patience he exhibited in relaying all of this.
When people hear cancer I think most of us would associate it most closely with death.  There are so many variables.  The last few days I have been focusing on collecting enough information to choose my treatment. It seems a little impossible and overwhelming because there is so much to think through!

There are still some questions as to what exactly the origin is and how this cancer is spreading.

We are going to do a 3 phase CT scan on Friday evening.  This one will be slightly different than the first and will provide a clearer photo of the areas that are harder to see or biopsy.  We will also have an MRI done to make sure that there is nothing in my head.  I am pretty sure Andrew would verify that there is not.

The Dr. will take that scan before a conference of some of the nations leading cancer doctors and liver surgeons on Tuesday for them all to evaluate.

The Dr. thinks it is stage 4.  His recommendation based on what he knows right now is that I take chemo to hopefully shrink the areas of cancer.  The likelihood of it being effective is about 50%.   If the cancer were not responsive to chemo, the average life expectancy would be approximately 4 months to 2 years.  However, all things are relative and it is rare for someone my age to have this issue so the statistics could be somewhat different for me.
If the cancer is responsive to it and it shrank to a size the surgeons would agree to operate, then we would remove the areas of cancer through surgery.  I would go on to live life with a funky looking liver and a scar the size of the great state of California. The Giant appears larger with each step.

He spoke with us about other clinics where we could get second opinions.  We are looking into other options as well.  We want to make an informed decision and while chemo/surgery is currently the frontrunner option, we are still checking out the options.


The Phillistines were some Bad A people.  They came out against the army of the Isrealites for 40 days.  Each army on a designated hill for a showdown.  As if that wasn't enough, they had a certain seasoned warrior that was around 11 feet tall who was equipped with the best weapons and to top it off he had a shield bearer who would walk before him so that he could be protected from you while he attacked.
Each day that massive man would walk to the front of the Philistine line and look out across the valley to the Israelites and shout for someone, anyone, to fight him.
I have often wondered what this must have looked like.  Did the Israelites just start looking around at each other, and run?  Did they just stare in disbelief? How did this end every day these 40 times?  How embarrassing!
I do believe God allowed those forty days because he was building up the giant.  He was showing what seemed to be an impossibility and bringing to light the disbelief of his people.  He had shown himself to fight impossible battles plenty of times at this point and the fact that the Israelites army had no courage or belief is such a load of bull.  But don't we all do that constantly?

In the background there is another story unfolding.  A man named Jessie had 8 sons.  Three were there on the hill with the Israelite army.  One, the youngest, was a sheep herder and was busy fighting lions and bears to save the sheep.  Jessie asks him to go and take food to the brothers on the battle field.  When he got there he heard the armies lining up and the giant come forward to make his daily speech about sending a champion to fight him.  David was appalled at this and then he volunteered.  His brothers were furious with him.  They thought he was just being conceited.

But the thing I love about David and that I would love to implement in my life is that he wasn't volunteering because he had assessed the giant and himself to see who was stronger.  He didn't stand around thinking about the statistics and likelihood of scars or wounds or even death.  He knew God.  That was all that mattered.  God is absolutely stronger and more powerful that giants and cancer.

I am never going to be able to paraphrase the best part so I just attached it here.

2 Samuel 17

 40 Then he took his staff in his hand, chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.

41 Meanwhile, the Philistine, with his shield bearer in front of him, kept coming closer to David. 42 He looked David over and saw that he was little more than a boy, glowing with health and handsome looks, and he despised him. 43 He said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. 44 “Come here,” he said, “and I’ll give your flesh to the birds and the wild animals!”

45 David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. 46 This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.”

48 As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. 49 Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.

50 So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.

ISN'T THAT SO FANTASTIC!!!
One stone! He didn't even need the other four.

I would like to be like David with such belief that a miracle can be accomplished through this situation.  I may have to wait out a 40 day wait period of God building a giant so that it is very obvious that it is in fact Him who saves me.  At some point I have not decided yet, I will ask that everyone who knows and is willing, will fast.  On that day, we will see what the Lord will do.  When we come against this in the name of the Lord Almighty, I pray for there to be a moment where 'the whole world will know that there is a God in Isreal who saves'.

With Gusto

There are many thoughts flooding my mind at the writing of this post.
I have some news that I wanted to share in a mass way but feel that it is so impersonal not to tell people face to face.  I also think something is missed in the emotion of the person when reading words and not facial expressions, body language, and tone.  I will do my best to choose the right words to relay the reality of what I am experiencing and please forgive me that it could not be more personal.
I haven't been feeling well for around 6 weeks now. I have been feeling a lot of nausea and fatigue.  I would come home from work and be so exhausted that I would lay down at 7:30.  Of course, the first thing everyone thinks is that it is pregnancy. It was not.  On July 4th I woke up feeling sore in my rib cage but we had plans to go canoeing with the kids, which we did.  Throughout the day the area right below my diaphragm kept feeling more and more sore to the point where it was hard to breath and I ended up going to the ER.
Once we arrived they gave me some pain medication, did an ultrasound which showed nothing and then did a CT scan which showed something.  Dark spots.  The ER doctor came in and read from a sheet of paper that it lined up with cancer and they sent me to the oncology floor.  I didn't believe that because we had done no tests for cancer and in the words of the ER Dr. himself 'they have to assume the worst'.  After speaking to the oncologist the decision was that we would do a liver biopsy to see what was causing the pain and see what these dark spots were.  I was able to go home to wait out the results of the biopsy.
The next week was better.  I was able to work most of the week and went to several appointments to check out the other dark spots.  All the results came back that I was ok.  I was sure that I just had an infection.  I did not.  I do in fact have the dreaded C word.

PLEASE HEAR ME SAY THIS(envision me speaking with gusto):

This is not a death sentence.
Cancer does not get to dictate when I die.  Only God himself gets to decide the day I came and the day I will go.
I could die in a car accident today.
I could die in a year from liver cancer.
I could die in 45 years of old age in my sleep.
No one knows but God himself.  I am at peace with this.

Andrew and I spent yesterday afternoon and evening relaying this news to our children, extended family and a few friends.  We go today to visit the oncologist and learn more about what I have and what the options for treatment are.

So many really wonderful people have asked how they could help.  Right now there really isn't anything we physically need.  There will be a time when I think especially Andrew will have physical needs as he will probably have to manage more than ever before while I am not well.  

But for today what we need the most are PRAYERS.  

There are 2 different stories in the Bible about two different kings.  One is King Asa.  He lived a great life but turned away from seeking God his last few years.  He ended up with an ailment in his feet and because he sought the help of people before God, King Asa died within three years (2 Chronicals, Chapter 16). The second is King Hezekiah.  He too had lived a great life and after many years of serving the Lord well was visited by the prophet Isaiah who told him to put his house in order because he was his time to die.  Hezekiah wept bitterly and asked the Lord to give him more time here on Earth.  Before Isaiah had left the courtyard of King Hezekiah's palace the word of the Lord came to him and said to go back.  He was to tell Hezekiah that he would live an extra 15 years- just because he requested it (2Kings, Chapter 20). 

PLEASE HEAR ME SAY THIS(more gusto):

I want you to pray that I would not die yet.   I would really like at least 15 years. But understand that the only reason I want to stay here on earth is because I love my children and my husband and I do not want them to be without a mother or wife. 

This earth is full of things that reflect the glory of God.  I have traveled to many places on several continents and have seen some of the most beautiful things in this world.  Varieties of plants, foods, animals, and people all attest to glory of God.  However, it is also a very broken place.  Those same travels have brought to light some of the darkest, saddest things on earth.  People have harmed the most innocent and vulnerable people in many ways.  People have created very dark and troubling religions.  There are bombs, shootings, drugs, sexual depravity, and all kinds of evil everywhere.  People have really wrecked this glorious place.  So, because I believe that there is a better place for me after this that people have not wrecked, I am ready to go.  I only delay out the love I have for people here.  Please pray that I will have more years. 

Lastly, I have a second request.  Please do not ask our kids about this.  We have told them what they need to know and I want this to be as easy for them as possible.  Even if well meaning, if person after person sadly ask them how they are doing it would be easy for them to be sad. We don't want that.  We want them to live their normal lives without fear of what the next day brings.