EAT THE ANT

Andrew recently convinced me to watch 'Chef's table'.  It is a Netflix original series on different chefs around the world who have restaurants that have been rated in the top 50 in the world.  It is such a well done, beautiful show.  They don't just focus on the restaurant or the food.  They tell the story of the chef and his/her choices of food.  And, they tell it with beautiful videography.  My favorite one so far has been about Alex Atala.  He is a Brazilian chef who runs the restaurant D.O.M. in São Paulo. In 2012, D.O.M. was rated the 4th best restaurant in the world.  This episode tells the story of how he moved from Brazil to Italy in his teen years to pursue punk rock.  During his time there he worked as a chef in a restaurant to pay the bills.  He fell more in love with cooking than punk rock and decided that he wanted to pursue owning his own restaurant.  However, he was Brazilian and wanted to cook what he grew up with-Brazilian food.  It was hard for him because rice and beans were considered 'poor food' and he wanted to have an upscale dining experience.  He moved back to Brazil and began going out into the Amazon for ingredients and finding the freshest herbs, plants, fish, and other ingredients.  One of the stories they tell is of him going into a village where this little lady had made a dish that was popular in the village.  It had ants in it so when he tasted it he pushed them to the side to try the sauce.  It was delicious to him so he asked her what herbs she had used and she said, "Eat the ant".  He repeated himself and asked again, "no, what are the seasonings?".  She again replied, "Eat the ant".  A third time he asked her and a third time she insisted, "eat the ant!".  He finally eats the Amazonian leaf cutter ant and he said an explosion of flavors happened in his mouth.  Chef Atala now serves gold gilded Amazonian ants in his restaurant.  

I love this series because I love when people push to do what they love and tap into their talents regardless of if it is popular with everyone else.  No one could have foreseen that this man would be able to build up a #4 rated restaurant with ants, beans and rice.  But he did and he now sells it for $200 a plate!  So just chew on that. 

I have been thinking about this show a lot lately.   Separately, I have had many people asking what they can do for me.  My answer is always that I don't need anything other than prayer right now. I feel like most people think that is a 'nothing' answer.  I wanted to say that prayer is the ant.  All the other stuff is sauce flavored by the ant.  What I am DOING is waiting on the Lord to answer the prayers I have sent up. 

I am convinced after doing the research that there is no modern medicine, traditional or alternative, that can save me now.  Some may make my days easier or more comfortable but it will have to be God himself who saves me.  People keep wanting there to be something, anything, that I can do and keep asking what the seasoning is, but sometimes we just have to 'eat the ant'.  

There are so many amazing stories in the Bible.  I would so encourage reading the whole book!  It is full of interesting things.  Below I noted some of the stories that involve fasting. 

1.  Daniel is given a disturbing vision of war and he fasts and prays to the Lord to reveal what it means.  This story is one of the most interesting and enlightening ones.  An angel of the Lord shows up and explains that from the first day Daniel began to pray God had sent this angel out with a message to Daniel.  The angel's 21 day delay in getting there was because he was held up in a spiritual battle with the Prince of Persia.  He only broke free because the archangel Michael came and relieved him.    (Daniel 10)

Here I would like to say to the team of people who have been praying and fasting for me once a week for the last month and a half-Thank you just isn't enough.  I hope that the lack of healing so far has not discouraged you and that you know that the prayers of a righteous man are extremely effective. 

3. Cornelius the Roman Centurion fasts and prays and an angel appears to him. The angel tells him exactly where to go to find Simon Peter.  Separately, Simon Peter is on a rooftop praying in another city and he is given a vision and told that three men are going to come to find him.  He is given instructions to trust them and go with them.  The 3 men find Simon Peter, take him to Cornelius's house where there is 'a large gathering of people', Peter tells them the story of Jesus, and they all get baptized that day.  (Acts 10. vs 28-32 condenses it but I suggest reading the whole of chapter 10)

Those who seek God will find him.  He is, as one of my college professors used to say, a master chess player. He works out intricate and elaborate stories so that not only the person praying is answered but also a 'large gathering of people' is blessed as part of the story.  'Ant sauce', if you will. 

4.  King David sinned later in his life by committing adultery with Bathsheba and she became pregnant.  He then also murdered her husband Uriah to cover it up.  The punishment was that the baby would not live.  King David fasted for days while the child was sick but the baby died never the less.  (2 Samuel 12)

My friend Sally Miller told our small group about the death of her sister several months ago.  She said that her sister’s healing was something that she prayed for more fervently than almost anything else in life so far.  And while her sister did die to this life, God did heal her.  That really stuck with Andrew and I.  I think about it now sometimes. Whether I am healed from cancer and go on to live in this life or if I die and get my new body in heaven, I will be healed.

My friend Sara Sanders Simonetti sent me this link recently and I have watched it several times because I love the part of the song where Kari Jobe sings the words, 'Now death where is your sting? Our resurrected king has rendered you defeated!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huFra1mnIVE

I do feel concerned about how I may take it if my next scan does not show my cancer shrinking or gone.  I am afraid that I will be discouraged.   God has given me so much peace already that I hope he will continue that.

Several people have commented that they are angry about me getting cancer.  I am so absolutely wonderful and awesome in every way, that of all people in the world, I should be the last to have a terminal illness(their words exactly...).  However, I am the perfect candidate.  How much more sad would this be for someone who did not have the hope of the next life? How much worse for the children of a single mother? How much worse for someone who has no one to help them with meals, transportation to the hospital, or money for the pharmacy?  I am so blessed with the wealth of America and friends who have jumped in to help me left and right.  My kids have a great father and plenty of other friends and family who can stand in my place.  If I do not go on to live here on earth, I will live again.   I do not want for anything.  

I have another CT Scan scheduled for Friday, September 9th.  My Dr. will use this along with my original scan to measure the speed at which this cancer is growing/spreading.   I will be fasting on September 8th to ask God to heal me completely.  If you believe that the Bible is in fact true stories-which I do-you must come to the conclusion that God hears, and answers.  He may not give you a yes, and there may be a delay in time for some reason, but he always hears and considers the prayer.  I do not know what answer God will give but if I were to ask anything of anyone it is to please please join me in 'eating the ant'.  This is the only thing I have faith in that will allow me to be a help to Andrew and a parent to my children.

A post from Andrew

A week ago we were at a friends house and Andrew shared this.  I thought it was great so I asked him to post it.  From Andrew:

I get asked fairly often how I am doing with everything. Whenever I am proposed that question, I typically have an internal battle, do I just say "fine" and hope that I don't have to go into it again? or do I tell the truth? How much do I share? Does the person asking me want to get into the guts of it, or is this a mere formality? I decided to share something twice now that gave me some clarity into understanding how I am processing this whole cancer thing. I reluctantly shared it because it opens the door to my inner nerd, and I have to keep up my manly persona. Both recipients to my babbling seemed to have a chord struck and asked me to share that on the blog. I am not sure how to put all the thoughts together without rambling and wasn't sure the actual point I wanted to convey so I am just typing and praying that God will use these word to bring clarity.

The answer to the overall question of "How are you doing?" is simple, I am really fine. It is the usual follow up question that is hard to answer. "How are you fine? Hmmmm. Saying that God has given me peace sounds lame and people are probably thinking, "He is just saying what he needs to say or thinking what he needs to think to not just fall apart in a blubbering mess". I could see this on some people's faces so I wanted to drive the point home one night and decided to jump into a reference point that is obviously the most likely source...Eragon. You know, the books about the dragons and their riders, duh!

In Eragon there are different races of people, some human, some elf, some dragon, some werecats, etc. They speak their own tribal languages to communicate every day, but a select few can speak the ancient language. The ancient language is powerful and can allow a person to perform magic like moving rocks, healing wounds, adding protective wards (of course)(I am squirming writing this because of the excessive dorkiness that is spilling out right now)etc. As the series progresses you learn about an even deeper language wherein you learn the True Names of people or things. Once someone has learned the true name of an item that person has absolute control over that person/object. The quest continues with Eragon trying to learn his true name and the true name of his enemy. Sooo you have English as his common language, magic as a special language, and a deeper vein of power found in the true names of things.

What makes sense to me in understanding this whole "peace" thing, and really God's historical/present workings in this world, is to realize that God speaks, moves, and operates in a deeper language that is hard for me to understand. It is deeper than my understanding, most times. During times like now God lets me experience/taste/drink/ this deeper pool of language. I like what I taste and find my soul wanting more.

There is a verse that says that when we pray to the Father the Holy Spirit intercedes for us in words that we cannot express. I have never thought too much about this verse other than to picture the Holy Spirit coloring my greyscale prayers with better adjectives or telling the Father what I REALLY meant to say to avoid me some kind embarrassment. Maybe what he is doing is translating my thoughts in the common language to the deeper "soul level" language of the Father.

Maybe this deeper language is why his timing is hard to understand, or why his ways are so opposite to this world, or why the yoke he offers can feel like the greatest relief in the world.

A friend of mine was struggling to believe in Christ and the reality of the things I believe. He asked me, "What is so convincing enough that you would move your family to Sierra Leone just to share Christ with people?"Why do you believe?" I could have gone in a direction talking about archaeological evidence and the inerrancy of scripture, but I decided to just be open with what had a greater impact on me personally. The "secondary" stuff helps for sure, but what gives me the greatest assurance of God's presence is this deeper language that nothing but my inmost being seems to understand. Maybe that is because I am created by one who speaks this deeper language and he gave me a soul that speaks it. I told him that the reason I believe is because I have seen the darkness. Due to these repeated glimpses into the most horrific, evil darkness that causes people to do things to other people that should NEVER happen, I was truly able to see the Light. I was able to see people loving the unlovable, forgiving the unforgivable, carrying a peace beyond their circumstances. My friend's response was..."elaborate". OK, I have seen people choose to do things that don't make sense if they were acting upon their own power. Humans are by nature selfish and self-preserving. The things I have seen are things that people don't just choose to do of their own accord. There must be something deeper driving this.

I have been "out given" by an orphan who has nothing, I have seen a man crawl out of the depths of poverty who possesses an unquenchable drive to bless others with ANYTHING extra he is given, I have seen people forgive their abuser, I have seen people choose to go against the flow of society and love the cast-off, I have seen people give up their food to pray for my daughter's healing, I have seen my wife shine in the darkness. This is absolute non-sense without a deeper force at work. People don't just "choose" to do this, just like I didn't just "choose" to have peace with my wife's diagnosis. Satan continues to try to use darkness, disease, and evil to steal, kill, and destroy, and God continues to work within this to give people a taste of a better way, a better path, a deeper soul-level language.

Witnessing these things, along with this terrible journey into the realm of cancer, are times when God has opened the door, just a crack, and allowed me to experience the plane of language in which He operates on a daily basis. Where peace can be truly peace that passes understanding, where my greatest prayer for this time is for people to experience communion with the Father as they intercede for my wife, where someone with terminal cancer can spend her days glorifying the Father instead of saying woe is me. It is non-sense, but it makes so much sense to me deep down. The soul language, the deep language, is what makes blind men see, it is what gives Heather an intoxicating presence that makes thousands read her blog, it helps you love the unlovable, it gives you communion with the Father. Just like Eragon, I want to know more of it.

Do I get scared...absolutely, do I ever cry... occasionally. But, "How am I doing, really? Fine...I have a lot of peace."

"Come to me, all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."